I mean, the day itself didn’t suck too badly, but I sucked. I misbehaved. I was a bad, bad girl.
I’ve been carrying around a lot of anxiety lately. Anxiety about my unemployment, anxiety about the extra weight I’ve gained over the last month, anxiety about my upcoming (albeit temporary) move, and so on and so forth.
Anxiety is one of the primary emotions that gets me in a bind when it comes to food. I carry panic (like many people do) in my chest, and sometimes I feel the only way to calm that heart-racing, rib-cage-tightening, apprehensive-feeling of yuckiness is to eat, a lot, and instead, turn the focus of that inner conflict to another area of my body; namely, my stomach.
I’ve been really proud of the fact that I haven’t purged in nearly two months. And although I have been a bit indulgent lately, I mentioned before that I feel letting myself eat what I want, when I want (without thinking too much about what it is or how much I’m eating), is really the only way for me to start to come to terms with what it is my body is truly looking for as far as nourishment goes. I need to learn how to listen to the signs of “I am hungry”, “I am full”, etc, without judgement or criticism.
Unfortunately, as I mentioned two posts ago, this process means I’ve gained some weight recently. And although I am very, very aware that this is a means to an end and am generally taking it somewhat in stride, there is still a part of me that can’t help but want the weight to GET OFF ME NOW.
Like, NOW, NOW.
NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW!
Anyway, my usual reaction to that sort of frustration is to binge and purge (which of course, I’m trying not to do). Last night found me somewhere in a weird mix of new-Haley and old-Haley, as they battled about how to handle my fried nerves.
This is what happened:
I went to the store. I bought some ‘healthy’ food (eggs, beans, fruit, that sort of thing).
At some point on the drive home, I decided instead to go get one of those cheap $4.99 large pizzas they have at really shittty pizza places. This was a bad idea for many reasons: a) I should be pinching pennies, b) I already had food RIGHT NEXT TO ME, c) a large pizza in my house generally means a large pizza in my mouth, d) $4.99 pizza is really never worth it, is it?
For whatever reason, I talked myself into going. You’ll just have a few pieces and throw the rest away. $4.99 is pocket change. You deserve it, you barely ate anything today. Blah, blah, blah.
When I got home, I ate a few pieces before deciding it was underdone. So I put a few more pieces in the oven and ate them, too, after I got them to the crunchiness level I originally desired. At this point, some voice in my head (‘Cooler Than You’ll Ever Be’, to be specific. He/she is the one that thinks I’m so pathetic, I should just ‘go for it’ during a binge) told me since I already ate so much food, I should just eat the whole pizza. At least one of my voices was looking out for me, because I made a compromise with myself. I’d eat the rest of the pizza, but I wouldn’t chew it and swallow because that meant I would eventually end up throwing it all up.
So, I sat down with my pizza box and my trash can, took bite after bite and spit the chewed food into the garbage.
I know this is absolutely disgusting, but ultimately it really is the healthier option when compared to binging and purging. (As sad as that is).
I got down to two final pieces and had enough. Aren’t I supposed to be overcoming this? The remaining slices I doused with water and threw in the trash, just to make sure I wouldn’t go digging for them later.
This morning, I was so mad at myself (and felt so crappy), I slept in until 11am. That alone was enough to make me depressed for the rest of the day (I hate wasting all those useful morning hours), so I told myself that in order to redeem my actions from the previous night and my 12 hour snooze-fest, I would fast today. Just one day. And then not tell anyone. No one will ever know.
I did fast for breakfast and lunch, but by dinner time, I had talked myself back into eating a regular meal. I can not fix bad behavior with bad behavior. (By the way, by no means am I saying that cleanses or fasting is bad in general…just under my current circumstances).
I’m telling you all to hold myself accountable, and because I know that setbacks are natural. In the future, I need to work on writing these sort of posts while I’m going through the emotions instead of after, and then eventually, maybe I can write beforehand and avoid the mistakes all together.
One day at a time. One day at a time….
Also. Today on Facebook, my friend Cara posted the following picture of me:
My initial rection was horror. Look at my hideous arms! Why did I think I could get away with a tank top! My huge cheeks! Man, I need a tan! But then, I made myself look for the good instead. Oh, my eyes are striking, aren’t they? I sure like my new haircut. That color looks good on me. Then, I even went to the additional length of making it my profile picture (although I did crop out my arms.)
Hey. I’m not going to be cured overnight.